As I sit here, looking absently ahead, as if trying to see the words that will form this post; like shooting stars, welcoming a wistfulness, I’m left searching, searching for the words that can accurately capture each emotion, colourful, vivid, visceral. And present them to you in simple black and white. The truth is I don’t know what lies ahead, neither do I know how any of us get there. But what I do know; with an unwavering certainty, is that we will. Like a promise to a loved one, waiting patiently ahead. Alone but at peace with the thought of knowing that one day we will all arrive to its coast. And so, with no compass in hand, but a trail to meander through, we take a step forward. Into the unknown. Into our destiny. Dissolution of boundaries between future and present, whilst smiling at moments once lived like passing ships in the night.
A dream once felt becomes a reality known. The dream of a child now in our hands, smiling up at us. Though amid the joy of a new beginning, there is also the deep ache of an absence to.
The bittersweet cycle of life.
My Father recently passed away
He had a major stroke whilst in his sleep and was admitted into ICU for 11 days before taking his last breath. Those 11 days were the most weighty of my life. Writing this now, I feel a familiar burning behind my eyes. Searing coolness of a tear. An elegy for a departed moment.
Nothing can prepare you when walking through those ICU hospital doors to see your parent on the other side. Feeling your heart breaking into pieces, leaving all senses suspended. The site of my Father in his hospital bed, connected to a life support machine, as he struggled to simply breath was enough to shake my soul. Yet still, for a divine voice in my head, telling me to stay strong for those around me, I fought back each tear and let my eyes stain red. Allowing for the waves of pain to wash away the fear inside of knowing my Father was fading into the eternal.
I silently prayed for strength ~ Ya Ali Madad ~ and with our prayers and thoughts my Father’s soul held the hand of its creator, stepping forward into the shade of infinite bliss. Leaving behind the most beautiful gift, a most radiant and ethereal smile brightening his blessed face. One not of this world but a glimpse of the next, his heavenly abode.
The day I saw my Father for the last time was the same day I saw the first scan of my child, a poetic asymmetry of life and loss. Witnessing the very first beats of a tiny heart, and in the same pulse, witnessing the very last beats of another heart, how strange this life can be. For we’re all connected, those departing welcoming those to come.
I dreamt of my Dad a few days after his passing. He was sat on a tranquil shore, gazing softly at timeless seas stretching infinitely before him, with a serene glow. He was waiting for me.
Which is why I feel his presence through thinned veils. He has not left. He lives on in hearts, waiting peacefully for when we’re embraced again. With this absoluteness I step forward, beholden to this cherished truth, that one day I to will be sat next to my Dad, fading together into endless waters…